


Wonder

by exxghost



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Afterlife, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Asthma, Asthmatic Hwang Hyunjin, Asthmatic Steve Rogers, Autistic Character, Autistic Yang Jeongin | I.N, Bang Chan is a Good Friend, Canon Non-Binary Character, Dancer Yang Jeongin | I.N, Depression, Dreams and Nightmares, Everyone Loves Yang Jeongin | I.N, Everyone Needs A Hug, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Ghosts, Grief/Mourning, HLHS, Han Jisung | Han &; Kim Seungmin are Brothers, Han Jisung | Han &; Lee Kangsung are Best Friends, Han Jisung | Han Is Bad at Feelings, Han Jisung | Han has Anxiety, Han Jisung | Han is Whipped, Han Jisung | Han is a Panicked Gay, Hospitals, Hwang Hyunjin is a Good Friend, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lee Felix is a Confident Gay (Stray Kids), Loss of loved ones, M/M, Non-Binary Han Jisung | Han, Panic Attacks, Past Character Death, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Lee Minho | Lee Know, Quiet Jeongin | I.N, References to Depression, Seo Changbin is a Good Hyung, Shy Han Jisung | Han, Slow Burn, Soft Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Strangers to Lovers, Student Han Jisung | Han, Student Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Suicide Notes, Supernatural Elements, Swearing, Trans Male Character, Trans Seo Changbin, University Student Hwang Hyunjin, Wakes & Funerals, Yang Jeongin | I.N has a Heart Defect, heart defect, non-binary characters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-11 07:08:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28347429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exxghost/pseuds/exxghost
Summary: After finding an old camera in a thrift shop, Han Jisung receives the ability to see ghosts through videos & pictures. When the ghosts start to help him get with the guy he’s been crushing on for years, Lee Felix, Jisung begins to think that it was more than a coincidence.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Felix
Comments: 8
Kudos: 33





	1. Lost Amongst Loss

**Author's Note:**

> this was originally a thread fic i wrote on twitter (@/exxghost), but i decided to put it into ao3 as well for easier reading and navigation. i hope you enjoy it :)

“I miss you.”

Jisung lay on his brother’s bed, playing with the fuzzy fabric of the blanket. It wasn’t a comforter, that’s true, but Seungmin preferred it that way. To be honest, so did Jisung. He remembered a 13 year old him sneaking into Seungmin’s room late at night just to steal one of his many blankets. But he wasn’t 13 anymore. He wasn’t sneaking into his younger brother’s room anymore. It was a completely different occasion; one Jisung was unfamiliar with.

So instead, Jisung set his attention on the familiarity of the cassette tape, it being a Day6 cover him and Seungmin recorded not long ago. Still, it wasn’t enough to distract him from the itchiness of his suit. Suits have begun to get on Jisung's nerves these days; not only were they itching him physically, they were itching him mentally. He didn’t know why this was, he just wanted it to stop.

Jisung sighed as his fingers brushed the leather journal that sat beside him on Seungmin’s bed. He wasn’t used to all of these changes; he wasn’t used to the now deafening silence the house held, nor the abnormal cleanliness of Seungmin’s bedroom, and he certainly wasn’t used to making music alone. He wasn’t used to being the only child.

“Jisung,” His mother called from downstairs, signalling that it was time to go.

Jisung slid down onto the floor, pulling the journal down with him. The thump that came with the book hitting the ground startled Jisung; he didn’t expect it to be so heavy. He sat on the floor for a while, staring at the now-opened journal across from him. It wasn’t his, it was Seungmin’s. He received it a week prior, confused as to why his brother would give him something so personal. He thought that reading the journal might answer his question, but Jisung didn’t have the heart to open it.

His reflection in the corner mirror mocked Jisung: his brown hair was darker under the weak light bulb of Seungmin’s room. His contacts irritated his eyes, but he couldn’t adjust them like he did his suit. The suit itself was a plain black paired with a black button up and tie. Jisung was uncomfortable with how he looked- more so how he felt, really. And it wasn’t just because of the day’s occasion.

Jisung pulled the journal to his side with the ribbon-like bookmark attached, closing it immediately before he could read even a single word. He picked up the journal and stood up, adjusting his blazer. He tossed it back on the bed and made his way out the door, nearly tripping on the hallway rug.

“Shit.” He mumbled before walking swiftly down the stairs, his polished shoes squeaking against the floorboards. By the time Jisung reached the living room, he already had to adjust his suit again. It was just so uncomfortable.

“Where’s your brother? I thought I said it was time to go.” His mother stood before him, purse in hand. Jisung’s mother was a simple woman and her outfit reflected that; a knee length black dress and gloves with heels to match. Her naturally raven hair was tied in a low ponytail and she donned a fishnet veil.

“He’s already there, mom.”

“Oh, well that’s good,” She opened the front door and gestured for Jisung to follow, “Who brought him? Was it that Junseong kid?”

“Mom…” Jisung’s voice grew fainter and fainter.

“What?”

“I- nevermind.” Jisung gulped, holding back a few tears, “Let’s just go now, yeah?”

His mom locked the door behind her: “Your father is already in the car, go ahead and get in.”

That Jisung did. No matter how reluctant he was to attend the day’s event, he didn’t want to cause any trouble. So he got in the car and endured the painful ten minute ride to their destination. With one step inside the funeral home, he noticed every little thing about the place:

The chairs weren’t straight. This bothered Jisung. No one else noticed the minor imperfections and it pissed him off. No one noticed anything; not the contrast of the crème color of the chairs and the black attire of the guests, not how the mini sandwiches were already gone, and certainly not how the vases held white lilies when Seungmin’s favorite flowers were chrysanthemums. Nothing was right and it bothered Jisung.

The people were most definitely wrong and it bothered Jisung. Their extended family just had to attend and while he could tolerate most of them, he absolutely despised his mother’s sister, Son Ye-jin. She _loathed _Seungmin only because he was born from Jisung’s step-dad. Why was she even here? To gain respect and fix her reputation? To throw them a pity party? It was ridiculous.__

____

__

____

Not to mention the lack of classmates that arrived; he’d invited Seungmin’s closest friends and they didn’t even bother to show. Jisung knew everyone coped in different ways, but Seungmin’s funeral deserved to be perfect. And it wasn’t. It was safe to say that Han Jisung was completely and utterly bothered.

“Hey, Ji, you good?” Kangsung placed his hand on his shoulder, the other one busy offering Jisung a glass of water in which the latter gladly took.

Jisung washed his disappointment down with the nearly freezing drink, “Thank you. Where’s Suhyun?”

“Bathroom.”

“Ah.” Jisung forced himself to say more than the bare minimum, yet nothing else came out. All he could do was stare at the casket before him.

He observed the state of his brother; it too, was incorrect. Seungmin’s hair was styled in a way he would never even think to wear; his forehead was exposed and Jisung _knew _Seungmin hated it that way. He would much prefer having his hair covering his unprotected skin, Seungmin saying the ratio felt nice with his glasses covering his eyes. His suit was a vibrant blue: also something he would never wear. Seungmin favored the simplicity of plaid pants and a white button up to bold statements such as his outfit now.__

____

__

____

Despite Jisung and his friends, no one had dared to come near the casket. Not even once. Why were they pretending Seungmin wasn’t there? Why were they treating his funeral more as an outing with friends? The familiar rise of bile Jisung had felt for the past few days came to his senses. He wasn’t going to be sick, that he knew. He was too unmotivated to eat breakfast that day.

“Jisung. Jisung. Hello? Your mom is calling you.” He felt the strange sensation of near isolation clear from his mind as Kangsung lightly shook him back to reality, “You go talk to her, I’m gonna go check on Suhyun.”

Jisung muttered curses to himself as he maneuvered around the staggered rows of chairs to where his mother stood, waving him over, with who looked like one of his uncles.

“Come here, dear,” His mother’s voice shook, “Come say hello to your uncle Kibum.”

“Uncle Kibum, how are you?” Jisung shot him an obligatory smile. It wasn’t that he didn’t like his step-dad’s brother or anything, he was just sick of the happy virus that seemed to infect every inhabitant at the funeral home. He was sick of the waiting. Jisung just wanted the focus to be on Seungmin for once; after all, it was his funeral.

“I’m doing perfect, actually. Did you know that Hongjoong got accepted into his university’s hardest writing course?”

Jisung caught his breath out of frustration; Kibum was always bragging about his son’s accomplishments. Said son was nowhere to be seen, having not attended the funeral with everyone else.

“Really?” Jisung repressed his annoyance, “That’s lovely, uncle.”

His mother stepped forward, wrapping her cardigan around her body: “My Jisung here has been making the most amazing music,” she hesitated, “Well...he was.”

The scene became way too quiet way too quick. It was like they finally realized where they were and why they were there. Almost simultaneously, the guests’ heads turned towards the open casket. His mom excused herself from the room.

Everything was wrong.

________

Despite what everyone believed, Jisung had been able to cope pretty well throughout the week. The only thing he seemed to be upset about was the way people were treating him at school. All of his teachers have been going easy on him, even the ones that taught his advanced classes. Just because his little brother passed away didn’t mean he couldn’t do the same amount of work as everyone else. In fact, Jisung was finishing the work at a faster pace than the other students in his class. He wanted to prove that he was doing better than everyone thought he was.

On Monday, Jisung’s peers avoided him like he had caught the black plague, Word had gotten around school regarding Seungmin’s passing, thanks to his brother’s friends. They didn’t even bother to show up to the funeral yet they jumped on the first chance they had to steal the spotlight. Not that Jisung wanted it anyway. On Monday, he spent all eight school hours pissed.

Tuesday wasn’t any better. Jisung had a test in chemistry and he had completely forgotten to study. But even if he did, it didn’t matter- he was handed a modified version of the test anyway. Regardless of this, he still flunked the test, he knew he did. How could he not? His teacher had marked all the answers he had gotten wrong (which were most of them, mind you) and yet still gave Jisung a B. Jisung was fine with the grade he had before and was willing to take the test again. He hated being pitied.

Jisung was fed up with everything come Wednesday afternoon. He had just gotten to the cafeteria for lunch and kids were already staring at him. The talk had died down since the beginning of the week, but there was always that one group of assholes. Jisung wasn’t able to finish his lunch with the sounds of dead brother jokes being shouted at him from across the cafeteria. Instead, he punched the kids right in the jaw. Even though Jisung should’ve gotten punished, he didn’t. He hated that.

On Thursday, Jisung’s mom pulled him out of school early for a surprise therapy appointment. He had never expressed the need for an appointment lately for he believed his anxiety was doing just fine regarding everything that was happening. Therapy was the one place Jisung didn’t want to be; he didn’t want to get bombarded with questions about his coping mechanisms. His mother went against his wishes and booked him the first one possible that month. Jisung would never say this out loud, but his mom was probably right about him needing the appointment.

Undeterred with all that had happened during the week, Jisung had been able to steer clear of the whole classmate pity party situation (his teacher’s didn’t count). That was, until his music theory class on Friday. It just so happened that his teacher was out sick and they were oh so blessed to be met with a substitute.

“I’d like to start off with a role call,” Mr. Choi grabbed the clipboard from where he was sitting and rolled himself to the front of the classroom.

“Is he trying to act cool, or?” Kangsung whispered to Jisung.

Jisung snapped his head from the empty desk in front of him to his best friend, “What?”

“Mr. Choi,” Kangsung took the cap off of his pen, “He rolled to the class on a chair like he’s a pair of Heelys or something.”

“Oh, I didn’t notice.” Jisung sighed and dragged his finger over the carving in his desk: _Jeongin was here. _The school hadn’t gotten new desks in years.__

____

__

____

“Jeon Somin?”

“Here.”

Kangsung placed a bag of chips on Jisung’s desk: “Are you okay?”

“Yes-”

“Liar. And staring at his desk isn’t gonna help.”

Kangsung was right, Jisung had been staring st Seungmin’s old desk for at least six minutes now. He couldn’t help but notice the scratches on the surface from where they played coin soccer when Mrs. Kang was absent.

“I can’t help it.” Jisung slid the snack back towards Kangsung, “I’m fine, Kangie, I just don’t feel like-”

“But you need to. I know you didn’t eat this morning, your cheeks are too flat.” Kangsung shoved the bag back into Jisung’s hands, “At least drink some water. You know Mrs. Kang will be on our asses if we don’t get any work done.”

“You mean your ass. She’s been going easy on me for days and I’m sick of it.”

“Okay, fine, my ass. But I’m not gonna be alone in making Mr. Choi confused about his career choices.”

“I don’t feel like doing work.” Jisung rested his head on his desk, letting the cold surface distract him from his thoughts.

“You were feeling fine at the beginning of the week, what happened?” Kangsung questioned, “You said you’d get over this quick, but I know that can’t be easy.”

Jisung was getting frustrated, something he rarely got with Kangsung. He sat up and pulled at his hair, not really feeling the pain: “I don’t know, okay? I don’t...I can’t-”

“Kim Seungmin?”

Kangsung hesitated, shocked at gawking at the situation: “Mr. Choi…”

Silence. Jisung sank into himself. Whatever side conversations his peers had had quickly dissolved with the mention of Seungmin’s name. You could hear a pin drop. With that, Jisung grabbed his school bag and ran into the hallway, not caring if he messed up the rows of desks or not.

He ran and he ran, not really knowing where he was going. Jisung had been at this school for three years now so he hoped his muscle memory would act as a GPS and guide him someplace useful. And he soon realized that his muscle memory was shit and he shouldn’t rely only on that because as soon as he thought that the day couldn’t get any worse, he dropped to the floor. And none other than Lee Felix stood above him. Jisung couldn’t stop himself from bursting into tears.

Jisung took his glasses off and started to violently wipe at the neverending stream of tears, not caring if he was temporarily blind; the blur from his tears were enough to make the line between seeing and not seeing disappear.

“Woah, are you okay?”

“Get the fuck away from me.”

“I-”

“I said get the fuck away from me.” Jisung shouted, pushing himself off of the school’s filthy flooring and dashing through the main entrance into the parking lot.

Jisung was going to have a panic attack. He could already feel the usual shaking and changes in breath. His tears wouldn’t stop flowing no matter how many times he told himself to stop. His legs were getting weak and his vision kept getting worse and worse. Jisung was lucky he reached his car before the worst hit, but it wasn’t enough to get him inside.

He was so fucking embarrassed. Having a panic attack outside of his car like a child. Regardless of the vacancy, Jisung could feel everyone laughing at him. He was going to be sick. Jisung leaned against his door and started fanning himself to help the heat flash pass, but it was no use with his hyperventilating and lightheadedness. The tears just kept coming and coming and Jisung couldn’t help it. By now, he was choking on his own snot and he couldn’t even think straight.

Jisung had been fine the rest of the week, but that only meant he was bound to break sooner or later. This was the worst day ever. Firstly, Jisung was starving from not eating breakfast. It’s not his fault he didn’t have an appetite. Secondly, that damn substitute bringing up his brother like it was nothing. Sure, that was Mrs. Kang’s fault for not planning beforehand, but it still hurt like a bitch. Lastly, he probably just ruined any chance he had with Felix. It wasn’t as if he had a chance in the first place, but now any remaining morsel was crushed. This was the worst day ever.

________

**Kangsung ******

****

****oh my god  
jisung?  
hello?  
where did you go?  
the whole class is worried  
mr choi wants to apologize** **

********

********

**Jisung ******

****

****why did no one tell him  
WHY DID NO ONE FUCKING TELL HIM** **

********

********

**Kangsung ******

****

****jisung i need you to take deep breaths for me, okay?  
just like we practiced** **

********

********

**Jisung ******

****

****i don’t want to  
i’m sick of this** **

********

********

**Kangsung ******

****

****of what?** **

********

********

**Jisung ******

****

****of being treated like a fractured glass that’s one touch away from breaking  
of being avoided because no one wants to upset me  
of being a laughing stock to some freshmen assholes that think the world revolves around them  
i feel so so alone kangsung  
and i can’t do anything about it** **

********

********

**Kangsung ******

****

****but you aren’t alone  
you have me  
and suhyun  
we’re here for the long run** **

********

********

**Jisung ******

****

****i feel like i’m on the outside looking in  
** i’m alone  
i really am  
i’m tired of telling myself everything’s okay  
i’m sick of pretending**

********

********

**Kangsung ******

****

****then stop  
stop pretending  
you’re allowed to be upset  
you’re allowed to be angry  
you’re allowed to be stressed  
you’re allowed to grieve** **

********

********

**Jisung ******

****

****but my mom  
and my step dad  
i just wanna make this easy for them  
but i can’t even hear his name without crying** **

********

********

**Kangsung ******

****

****forget about them for a minute  
seungmin was your best friend, sungie  
i know you say that i’m your best friend but…  
everyone can see it  
he was your brother  
and he still is  
you don’t need to pretend you aren’t affected by this** **

********

********

**Jisung ******

****

****i’m sorry** **

********

********

**Kangsung ******

****

****for what?  
you didn’t do anything wrong** **

********

********

**Jisung ******

****

****i didn’t mean to worry you  
i’m sorry** **

********

********

**Kangsung ******

****

****what?** **

********

********

**Jisung ******

****

****i have to go  
don’t text me i’m driving** **

********

********

**Kangsung ******

****

****i…  
...text you later** **

********

********

________

Jisung hopped out of his car, wiping away the last of the fog that shielded his glasses. He didn’t know where he was, he just wanted to escape. Although it’d be more of a physical retreat than the mental one he desired, it was at least something. He desperately needed the distraction.

And that’s how he found himself outside a thrift shop he was sure no one went to anymore.

The building itself seemed cozy. It was built out of multicolored brick with the overhead above the door made of brown fabric, a dimly lit sign reading “For Changbin” hanging from the top. Jisung took a deep breath before walking into the shop, a tiny bell ringing throughout the interior when he opened the door.

“Hello?” He called out, looked around the shop. The shelves held whatever you could imagine; toys from the 90’s, worn out sweaters, vinyl records, and the like.

“Hello. How can I help you today?” A man, who Jisung assumed was the owner, came out of a back room. He was aged, no doubt, probably in his mid 50’s to early 60’s. His hair was obviously dyed blond, gray hair sticking out from his roots. The man’s outfit was as vintage as it could get, him sporting articles of clothing that seemed from the 70’s.

“Anything that’ll help me cope, really.” Jisung laughed.

“Ah,” the man started, stepping closer to Jisung, “you must be Seungmin’s brother. I read about your family in the paper. I’m Taeseob, by the way. Go Taeseob.”

“It’s nice to meet you, sir.” Jisung bowed out of respect.

“No need, darling. We’re one of the same” Taeseob smiled.

“What-”

“If you’re looking for a distraction, I find the entertainment section does quite the job.”

“Thank you, sir.” Jisung stopped himself from bowing a second time, instead moving towards the entertainment section of the shop.

It truly did have everything. Jisung could spot multiple Queen records on the wall and a vinyl player on a shelf, right next to a tattered book with a missing spine. He noticed a small fraction of electronics to his right and immediately flocked towards them. The merchandise spanned from reusable computer parts to outdated iPhone models. He was sure he saw a Hello Kitty karaoke machine within the mix. But only one thing really caught his eye: a camera on the top shelf. It was a Canon AE-1 Program, to be specific. Jisung recalled his mom having one during his childhood.

“Taeseob, sir, why did you decide to open a thrift shop?” Jisung admired the camera in his hands, mentally begging for it to be affordable (or to even work).

“Ah, I’m glad you asked,” Taeseob sat on the front desk, “It was 1985 and my lover had just passed away. I was in debt and needed to make money, so I sold some of his things. I was reluctant at first, but then I realized how much use some people could get out of second hand items. Eventually, that led to me opening the shop in 1987. It’s named after him, you know.”

“His name was Changbin?” Jisung made his way over towards Taeseob, ready to check out.

“Not to his parents. To his parents, he was their perfect little Chaeyoung.”

Jisung set the camera next to the register, his eyes widening in realization, “Oh. His headstone...is it?”

“I pulled a few strings here and there, don’t worry. Anyways,” Taeseob slid off the desk to scan the camera, “speaking of Changbin...this camera was his.”

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I noticed there wasn’t a price tag on it and I wanted to ask-”

Taeseob laughed and placed the item in a small reusable bag: “Don’t get yourself riled up, kid. It was never meant to be sold in the first place. However, I’m gonna give it to you, gratis. I have the feeling you’ll use it much more than me.”

“Sir, I can’t take this-”

“Consider it a gift. I’m hoping you’ll be a returning customer?” Taeseob handed Jisung the bag.

“With all the interesting things, how can I not? I’m broke though, so you’ll only catch me window shopping.” Jisung chuckled, holding the bag close to his heart. He didn’t know such an item could hold a backstory, one of which he wasn’t fully aware of yet, “I should get going now. I don’t want my mom to worry.”

“I’ll see you around, kid. Take care of that for me, alright?”

“Got it.” Jisung grinned as he stepped out of the shop, the bell ringing once more with his departure. He found himself walking to his car with a somewhat lighter attitude. Maybe it was just the excitement of impulse buying (for him, not really) a random object. He opened the driver’s door and got settled, grabbing the camera from the bag and cherishing it in his hands.

“A small picture wouldn’t hurt, right?” Jisung positioned himself to where the lighting hit his face well enough, posing with a plain peace sign. He couldn’t see himself on the screen and was afraid it’d turn out blurry because of it, but it was a test picture anyways. He shouldn’t be worrying about the littlest things. Jisung clicked the capture button.

“Okay, cool.” He turned the camera back around, “Let’s see how this turned out.”

Jisung watched as the picture loaded, jumping and screaming out of fear at the six unfamiliar faces behind him; a black haired man mimicked his pose, but with his mouth open in a smile. A brunette didn’t smile at all, a dirty blond sticking out his tongue. A boy with long hair just slightly smirked and a blue haired boy leaned towards him. Jisung inspected the back seat, only to find no one there.

“What the fuck, what the actual fuck.” Jisung held his head in his hands. Was he finally losing it? Did the bad events finally get to his head? He was terrified.

“I know, it’s shocking, but there really was no need for crude language.”


	2. Author’s Note

i’ll get back to updating this soon !! i’ve been in and out of the hospital so it’s been a little difficult for me to sit down and write full fics like this. thank you for being patient :)


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